Friday, January 20, 2006

Fuck You, Andrew "Linguica" Stine

Fuck you, Andrew "Linguica" Stine.

Here's some of what this "reviewer" had to say on somethingawful.com. By the way, BLOODSUCKING REDNECK VAMPIRES got quite off easy compared to many other flicks this guy has written about.

"I don't even particularly like horror movies."

That's a really great background to have for writing reviews of horror movies, Andrew.

"BLOODSUCKING REDNECK VAMPIRES" is not the worst horror film I have been forced to watch thus far, but this is about as much of a consolation as being told that my newly contracted thyroid cancer isn't a concern because I'll be dead of ebola within a week.

If we could only be so lucky! Andrew, you tease.

The name "BLOODSUCKING REDNECK VAMPIRES" immediately bodes poorly for the work..."Redneck Vampires" would have sufficed for this movie's title, and even "Bloodsucking Rednecks" could be considered adequately descriptive in a pinch.

The title was given to us by the film's distributor, who hired us to make it.

But by extending the title to "BLOODSUCKING RECNECK VAMPIRES," the film's makers are doing nothing more than prolong my embarrassment when my roommate wanders through the room and asks what the fuck I am watching.

Let me get this straight:

  • You don't like horror movies
  • You seem to hate most of what you review with such passion that you spend hours writing reviews that brutally rip them to shreads
  • You are embarassed when your roommate walks by and sees what you are watching

Why exactly do you continue to do this?

The movie opens at some sort of house party where a chubby vampirella sips on a snifter of what I assume to be blood.

Well, it's supposed to be wine, but here is the "chubby" actress you referred to.




Oh yeah, chub city, dude.

The vampirella rolls her eyes and spits out some hackneyed dialogue...

And good luck with your novel, Andrew.

He eventually gets home and collapses on a couch. I assume it's his home, although one of the many lessons about white trash this movie has taught he is that hicks live in a Shaker-esque communal society where letting yourself into other people's houses and sleeping in their beds is as common an occurrence as, say, sex with siblings.

When in this movie do people let themselves into other people's houses and sleep in their beds? Without permission or knowledge, as you imply, that is - admitedly there is a sleepover scene, but everyone involved knows they're sleeping over.

Get it, because that's all hicks do, is have sex with their brothers and/or sisters! Man, I am on fire today.

Then why haven't you burned to death, yet?! And what about the thyroid cancer and the ebola? You keep threatening to die, but yet you are still here writing reviews!

The movie cuts to another house where a girl who doesn't look a day over fourteen...

Just for the record, she was 16...and she had her Mom's permission to be in the movie.

While the image of a semi-sentient mound of flab sitting on a vampire's horribly crushed skull seared itself into my retinas I was too busy ripping the top off the DVD player and vomiting upon the electronics inside to even consider finishing the rest of the movie.

What? You didn't even finish the movie? Andrew "Linguica" Stine, you are a fucking prick! I'm sure that folks seeking out reviews to help them decide if they want to buy or rent a particular movie really just think to themselves, "You know what would be useful? A review by someone who didn't bother to actually watch the whole movie. Now that would be something I could rely on to make an informed decision. Oh, and it would be even better if he reviewed the genre of movies that he professed to not even like in the first place."

"Reviewing" movies without watching the whole thing is a cop out, you dick.


So this all may seem trivial thus far, the ramblings of some dork who thinks he can be clever and funny by ripping on other folks.

To get a better idea of what an asshole Andrew Stine is consider this: he wrote a "review" of a recent low-budget horror flick, saying, "This is the worst movie I have ever seen," calling it "utterly devoid of merit on any level imaginable," "cinematic bullshit" with a "worthless plot" and "worthless characters." He went on to call the writer/director/actor "hideously ugly," "amazingly unattractive," "an idiot,"and "a disgusting oaf." Andrew even made fun of the production company's name.

Fine. He hated the flick and thinks the guy who made it is unattractive. Everyone has a right to their opinions.

Then Andrew e-mails the writer/director/actor to give him the link to his "review."

What a jerk!

3 comments:

Alexandra said...

JESUS CHRIST! Who the fuck does this self-righteous little prick think he is anyway?

If it's any consolation Joe, I've never heard of the little COCKSMOKER until now!

Personally I enjoy the fact that I have had the pleasure of working with you and the words from a wannabe movie reviewer who has nothing better to do than to rip others apart doesn't mean shit!

What the fuck has he done with his life that has been so fabulous? Personally, I would love to see BRV and to hell with what this shithead has to say.

I have had people write me and rip me apart for my TV show here in Portland, telling me I suck and all this other bullshit. But their words mean nothing to me. I stay on the air because I know there are people who love what I do and the longer I continue I know it's going to piss the haters off and I thrive on it.

So keep making movies, because there are those of us who love what you do. So what if you can't be high budget? Your movies are fun and it's refreshing. So fuck this guy! Keep making movies just to piss him off!

Tim S. said...

Hey Doc,

I wouldn't sweat this review. First off I never heard of this guy till now, and besides all that website seems to do is just try to get people pissed off just to see what they will do next. I personally dug the flick. You're doing a kick ass job so don't let that asshole bug you.

Tim

John Oak Dalton said...

Who cares, really? Let him, or anyone else, go out and beat you at your own game. Then they have something to talk about. Until then, nada. I don't even get mad at reviews, especially from people who aren't on the playing field.

John

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